Bah.

Aug. 12th, 2012 11:56 pm
margotvankapelle: (adulthood)
Been feeling very "meh" lately.  I can't tell if it's just that the seasons are changing and my brain is trying to catch up or what.

*sigh*  I keep torturing myself by looking at adoption agency websites.  Yes, I'm a masochist.

I miss Pennsic.

Um, other than that, I might actually have to crack open my nursing book and start studying.  I got a 90% on my last test, which is still an A but just barely.  I want to make the Dean's List every quarter, I think on one hand to prove something to myself and to others, and on the other, I think it would be nice to have some sort of bragging rights, you know?  To show that I'm not a total failure at school, never mind that I keep starting and failing to graduate through some muckup or other. 

Oh hell, I don't know.
margotvankapelle: (reading)
Somehow, I managed to make it onto the Dean's List for 2 quarters in a row!

5 more to go...

Also, I've had a hankering to try just a weensie bit harder to not look like Exhausta McHaglike.  So I picked up some lip gloss.  I dunno...we'll see. Lord knows since I single-handedly keep Chapstick in business it's just as easy to smear on some lip gloss instead.  Maybe eventually I'll get to the point of wearing makeup again on a regular basis.  I know, I know, it only takes a few minutes, etc., etc.,  I'll look a lot better with makeup on, more self-confidence blah blah blah.  As a fat chick, I feel more secure feeling invisible.  But wanting to feel invisible and yet wishing I wasn't makes for a heavy makeup addiction, even if I never wear the stuff.  One might argue that the makeup addiction is worse for never wearing the stuff.  So like I said, it's easiest to start off with lip gloss and see if I can get the hang of that.

Can you tell I've forgotten to take my crazy pills on a regular basis this week?

Which reminds me...brb, dosing myself.

It's probably bad form to reward myself for taking my antidepressant by scooping myself a large bowl of ice cream, but I haven't had dinner yet and dairy is one of the four food groups or whatever stupid chart the USDA is using these days.  So screw it.

I know part of the problem is what time of year it is:  Pennsic season.  As usual, I won't be going this year, nor will I be able to go next year (since I'll still be in year-round school).  Pennsic 2014 (er, I think that's, what, Pennsic 44? 45?) will be the earliest I will be able to go, which makes me all sorts of sad.  It's hard to explain WHY it makes me so sad, except maybe for this post I made back in the day.  It's just...promises, you know?  And the prospect of meeting some of you on my f-list (assuming I could work up the courage to stop by and say hello -- being just an okay costumer means that some of you all are like rock stars to me...like expect me to get a little starry-eyed and maybe even choke up a little bit if I ever meet you) even if it is intimidating! 

Yes, yes, I know Pennsic will still  be there, but adopting from foster care means there are enormous levels of governmental interference in our lives for an unknown and unpredictable length of time, and I'd like to go to Pennsic before having to negotiate crossing state lines with a foster child, and all the headaches that come with dealing with a bureaucracy.  I'll be 36 in 2014.  And considering my late 30s is (IMO) getting Too Old for first-time motherhood (especially if we are blessed with smaller children), that means we are very limited to how many more years we can put off Pennsic without also hanging up our chances to become parents.

margotvankapelle: (Default)
This Saturday and Sunday, for every Frosty product bought, Wendy's will donate 50 cents to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption to help foster children find homes. This is a cause near and dear to my heart, so buy a Frosty and help some kids out!


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

margotvankapelle: (kitty!)
So, y'all know my youngest cat, Pretty Pretty Princess?  (Yeah, she only answers to her name when the Pretty Pretty part is on there, how's THAT for spoiled?)  You know, her:


Yes, her.  It struck me a couple of days ago that Her Royal Highness (she insists, the little sugarplum) is an awful lot like a foster kid.

1.  She came from a crummy background.  Princess was found on the side of a bsy highway at 6 weeks old, skeletal and covered with fleas.  Her Good Samaritan foster mom took Princess home, washed her, fed her, and took good care of her, but couldn't permanently keep her.  That's when we came along.

Foster kids often come from crummy backgrounds.  Their parents often abuse them, neglect them, pimp them out for drugs, abandon them.  They are not removed for being bad kids; they are removed because their parents are bad parents.

2.  Pretty Pretty Princess has Food Issues and has become pretty plump as a result.  She spends most of her day in the kitchen, close to the food bowl.  She gets very protective of the food bowl at times, and demonstrates extremely high anxiety if she can see the bottom of the food bowl.

Foster kids often have Food Issues.  Imagine being in a house where there was no food, or you had to endure acts of torture to get any food.  Imagine growing up in that type of background, then going to a house where there's plenty of food.  But you know that food isn't a guarantee anywhere, so you hoard it, gorge on it, develop food rituals that may no make sense to others.

3.  Pretty Pretty Princess (or as I like to call her, Miss Tiny Britches) is not demonstrably affectionate.  You can pet her at the food bowl while she eats.  That's it.  That's why I've become quite excited when she wakes me up at 4 AM by standing on me and allowing me to pet her and snuggle her.  When Boe and I are asleep, we're not a threat to her, so it's safe to pet her (you know, if we could just get over that "sleep=unconscious" thing...).  She's making progress, but she's been with us for almost 2 years to get to the point where we can pet her as long as we are asleep.  Or asleep-ish.

Foster kids often do not trust any physical display of affection.  If you grow up in a home where your mom says "I love you" and then burns you with cigarettes, or your father says "I love you" and then violently rapes you, why on earth would you trust any sort of affection at all?

More to come as I develop this theme... 
margotvankapelle: (ooooooo)

If you buy a Frosty of any kind this weekend from Wendy's, they will contribute 50 cents to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.  The Foundation works very very hard to find children in the foster care system permanent, loving homes, and specializes in the "hard-to-place" kids.  Kids who are older than 6 or 7, kids with emotional problems from the amount of trauma they have suffered, minority children, children with physical disabilities or mental impairments.  They also focus on the children who have been waiting the longest to be matched with a safe, stable, loving family.  Aging out of the system is hell...yet 20,000 to 30,000 children age out of the system every year.  The statistics are grim with regards to their futures.

Kids who need a home desperately.

Please, f-list, buy a Frosty this weekend. Help kids find their way home.



In addition, "like" this page on Facebook or tweet the link on Twitter, and Wendy's will contribute an additional 50 cents to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.
margotvankapelle: (reading is fundamental)
Read this, if you would.
margotvankapelle: (peekaboo)
So a few days ago I asked your opinion on how I should best handle the baby rabies/OMG KIDS NAO that my hormones are putting me through.  I recieved comments that were well thought out and respectful, even the ones that counseled against what I was leaning towards. 

I don't really know how to put this, but because I use my LJ as my rant-space before taking issues to Boe, I'm afraid I've created a rather skewed portrait of him if you only know me through this medium.  I don't mean to do this, it is a by-product of the way I handle issues within my relationship.  Boe is a good man, who truly feels awful that he hasn't obtained fulltime employment yet and who wants me above anything else to be happy.  He does a lot around the house -- more than I do, in fact -- and generally I am happy with our relationship.

It's been within the past 3 years that I have really started to feel capable of being a mother.  Prior to that, I was so worried that my depression issues would result in me being a bad mother that I never wanted to *be* a mother.  I was afraid that I would inflict my own brand of crazy onto some poor kid and royally screw them up.  I also underwent some bit of grieving that I could not carry a pregnancy and therefore cannot have biological children (as our budget will probably never allow for the high costs of surrogacy).  Boe and I have talked about adoption, and we came to the conclusion that we were probably too old for traditional private domestic adoption and most likely could not afford private adoption anyway, as fees tend to run between $12,000 and $35,000.  Therefore, we limited ourselves to special needs adoption through the foster care system.

In the state of Indiana, a special needs adoption is the adoption of any child from foster care who is:

a.  mentally, physically, or emotionally disabled, OR
b.  above the age of 6, OR
c.  a minority, OR
d.  part of a sibling group that must be placed together per a judge's order.

What Boe and I are considering are a sibling group, single children above the age of 6, or children with mild emotional disabilities.  We do not feel that we have the time, energy, or patience to work with children with severe disabilities.  Unfortunately, I don't feel comfortable adopting a minority child because I have a close relative who likes to drop racist/sexist/other ugliness terms into everyday conversation.  That's not fair to a child who already feels unwanted and unloved. 

In my mind, the whole debate came down to:  Should we start the paperwork and classes after Boe gets a permanent job, even though I'll still be in school and our income will be okay, but not fantastic, or should we wait until after I graduate from college, and have a much better income, even though it's very likely that Boe will be on the wrong side of fifty before finalizing an adoption?
margotvankapelle: (magic8ball)
I made a post in[livejournal.com profile] adoption , and I wanted to throw it out to my f-list as well.  Let me know what you think, I am getting so very very turned around on quite a few issues (as I am sure you all probably already knew!), and I could really use advice on, well, everything.

When Boe and I have discussed adoption, it has been with the assumption that we'll probably be adopting from the foster care system, since the financial costs of that method seem to be lower than for private adoption, and it gives us the chance to adopt a sibling group (we're primarily interested in adopting a sibling group since they are traditionally difficult to place.)  However, my hormones have really done a number on me and given me a raging case of baby rabies. As in, OMG BABIESRITENAO! sort of baby rabies.  So in my idiocy, I've been scoping out private adoption facilitators, which makes the whole "wanting a baby immediately if not sooner" feeling stronger. 

In addition, Boe -- who has always wanted to have children with me -- is of the opinion that we should go ahead and start the classes and whatnot now and as far as finances go, we'll just work it out the same way we would if I wasn't infertile and we had an unexpected pregnancy.  On the other hand, I can't help but fret that the course of action that Boe is suggesting would be irresponsible...but I'll be 35 before I graduate, and Boe will be 47.  I mean, yeah, Larry King can father a baby at the age of 927265, but that doesn't mean that we can or should.

So what on earth do I do in this situation?  If it was a question of me not being infertile and we had an unexpected pregnancy, we'd just muddle through as best we could while trying to juggle sketchy finances and a newborn.  But in this case, where having children requires not only money, but time, effort, and one hell of a lot of red tape, the right path to take is not nearly as clear-cut.  Wait until I'm out of school, even though we'll be (depressingly) a lot older than the ideal? See if we can adopt even though we're not *quite* where we need to be financially yet?  Foster care adoption, private, or "lady, you are clearly way too nuts to have kids"?

I mean, 35 is -- in my opinion -- really pushing the boundaries of age-appropriateness of first-time parenthood.  And that doesn't mean that I'd become a mom at 35; the classes and stuff can take up to a year, then there's the wait to get a home study done, and then there's waiting to be matched, and and and and and.  Realistically, it can take 2-3 years for placement through the foster care system. 

Hell, if we knew that I could carry a pregnancy, Boe and I would have gone the "family friend and a turkey baster" route.  But I can't carry a pregnancy, and we can't afford fertility treatments at $10,000 per round of IVF, embryo adoption in this case requires a surrogate, and we certainly can't afford a surrogate -- which would require us to go through a lot of the same hoops as an adoption would to boot.


My life is not turning out to be anything like what I had hoped...hrmph.
margotvankapelle: (jackswang)
Cross posted from my duchy's Yahoo Group:

As many of you are aware, in order to adopt a child, our house needs to be in
tiptop shape. However, between my work schedule, adoption classes, CPR
training, fingerprinting, and having physicals done, this does not leave us a
lot of time for home improvements. While we have the bathroom, kitchen (thank
you Brient and Ysabel!), and living rooms done as they need to be, the real
sticking point is...

The Tornado Room(tm).

This is the infamous front parlor that doubles as a black hole for all of our
Adrian stuff, craft supplies, and miscellanea.

It has lots of goodies, but they need to be excavated. Saturday, May 30, and
Sunday May 31, Sir Arthur and I are hosting a barter barbeque at our home from
11 AM until the cows come home. I hear cows tend to come home at 3 Am, for what
it's worth. If you wish to assist us in excavating the Tornado Room(tm), there
will be gifts. Everything that Sir Arthur and I underuse, no longer use, or
cannot find an immediate use for are up for grabs. This includes garb, jewelry
making supplies, wool roving, garb, fabric, UFOs (UnFinished Objects), garb, and
other goodies.

We will be cleaning out the Tornado Room(tm) and painting, so be prepared by
wearing something you don't mind ruining. We will also supply food, and a fire
around which to sit and relax in the evenings. Beverages suitable for all ages
will be supplied by us, and if you have adult beverages, it's BYOB (bring your
own booze).

Please RSVP here in the comments, or by sending an email to my alternate email
address at kpowell1066 AT yahoo DOT com.

For those on my flist who have no idea where I live,  it is Fort Wayne, IN.  I have one (count 'em, one) extra bedroom to use as crash space.  First come, first served.
margotvankapelle: (dreams)
Since I've been here to post. *eek*

So, what's new? The living room is painted! Boe and I spent all weekend on it, and it looks really nice. Muuuuuuch better than before!

Um, nothing really on the garb front, although I am tempted to throw some linen in the washer and dryer to start on sheets for our camp bed. Boe wants to buy a rolling Rubbermaid bin for all his armor (yes, he *does* have an armor box, he wants one with wheels). I told him OK, but it's not going in our tent, it will go directly back to the car after combat. He got all huffy. I tried to explain that if he and I want to get more accurate in our kits, that includes the damned armor box. Besides, the one I made him works just fine and as he improves his kit, there will be less weight to haul around, making his current armor box just fine.

Honestly. *throws hands up in air* He wanted an armor box, I made him an armor box...and now It's Not Good Enough. Hrmph. Sometime, I'd really like to go to a camping event on my own, just to see how accurate I can be without taking Boe into account. Like a straw mattress/no undies/all linen-and-wool clothing/table linens actually made from linen/make [livejournal.com profile] attack_laurel burst into applause sort of accurate.  My 2 exceptions would be my glasses and my cigarettes (no one wants to see me go through withdrawals, trust me on this one).  I think it would be fun.  *sigh*  Too bad I can't make it to Pennsic this year and hang out in the Enchanted Grounds.  Maybe next year.

Work is going well, I've been taken off of the phones completely and now handle online-only customer service.  It's a sweet gig.  I'm very lucky.  I want to enjoy it until our new corporate overlords decide whether or not my center is staying open.  The anticipated merger is less than 3 months away.  At least in buying our house I know that we will be able to afford the payments on Boe's salary alone.  If I lose my job, I'll do the unemployment-and-school thing.

My sister sold her house, and she found a house in Florida.  *gulp* They finalize the move at the end of the month.  So my niece will be living in Florida for the next several years, until Melanie can convince her husband that Indiana's really the place to be.  I am sad indeed.  My sister and I have been getting on so well since Elena's been around, and Miss Len herself is just *sigh* absolutely adorable.  I don't want them to go!  We (my sibs and I) have an aunt who lives in Florida, and I never really got to know her -- she's been up for visits every 5 years or so, but I don't know her well, nor do I know my cousins.  I don't want to be an aunt like that for Miss Len.  I want her to remember me, and know that I adore her, and have good, clear, solid memories of us together.  Lennie is 5 now, she won't remember me except through anecdotes and pictures.  :-(

I'm trying my hand at container gardening this year (normally, I kill *everything* off), and have started the seeds for lavender, sage, oregano, basil, catnip, thyme, poppies, and pansies.  Oh, and flax.  (I have a future project in mind for the flax, oh yes I do!)  Nothing has sprouted yet, but then again it's only been 2 days.  We'll see how it goes.

On the adoption front, we're still getting everything together for that.  The eleven bajillion questions and forms are a pain, but I understand why they are there, and so it goes. 
margotvankapelle: (sitdown)
We made like 1940s Stalin yesterday and purged everything in our kitchen.

Brian (Boe's Adrian brother) and he are making some extra cabinets for the kitchen today, and painting said kitchen tomorrow. Paul is coming over, cleaning the half-attic, and getting the first layer of paint up in the future game room.

The kitchen and bathroom are going to be the most expensive ones to work on, so we're spreading those out a bit. Next Sunday, it's time to paint the living room. The Sunday after that, the front parlor/former Tornado Room. The Sunday after *that*, we do the bathroom.

The next 3 Saturdays are taken up in parenting classes.
margotvankapelle: (bird)
I have a meeting today with the Allen County Department of Children's Services. It's the meeting wherein I'm going to get all the info about becoming a foster-to-adopt parent.

Boe, OTOH, is taking his 3 students on a school field trip to the circus. Ugh. He gets so depressed at the quality of Shriner clowns.
margotvankapelle: (dreams)
I've showered, changed clothes, and am on my way to the Allen Count Department of Childrens' Services.

I'm picking up our applications to adopt a child from the foster care system.

*gulp*

Once we take the classes and complete the homestudy, we'll be matched with a child (or 2 children of the same gender, sice we have only 1 extra bedroom) and adoption will happen from there.

BTW, we have to provide a mortload of personal references. Any takers?


I'm gonna be a mom!
margotvankapelle: (dreams)
Our dream house is very sadly not in the financial cards for us unless we get at least $14000 in the lotto (our credit is poor enough to require a 20% down payment). It is time I realize that and start making plans accordingly. The house we currently rent is an old Victorian lower-middle class place with 2 bedrooms. We've been renting it for about 7 years now, and had we just bought the thing outright, the mortgage wold be mostly paid off by now (it appraises for about $35000). Our landlord is willing to sell it to us for $32500. I think we'll take him up on it if he's willing to do a land contract for 1 1/2 years. That gives us time to come up with a $6000 down payment and arrange conventional financing.

Boe and I have decided that we're staying here for a while anyway, we might as well build up some equity at the same time. We're also planning to put in a fence and completely revamp the place this year in preparation for an adoption homestudy. I ran by Lowe's today and spent a bit of time dreaming, and came home with a mortload of paint chips and some plans. Boe says (and we'll see, kwim?) that he's going to build some shelving for the bathroom, laundry area, and Tornado Room. I'm in charge of painting, well, everything. Hence the paint chips and scribbles on one of our many notebooks. I'm intrigiued with the idea of doing at least 1 wall in the living room with a crackle finish. The colors I have in mind have been Boe-approved, but everything is on hold until we do the bathroom.

The paint in the bathroom is only a few years old and jus requires a little bit of touch-up work to look better. We need to trash the current vanity and replace the plumbing as well. Thank God we have handy friends! Boe, as I said, is planning to build some shelving to act as a linen closet for towels and whatnot. The ceiling fan is in desperate need of cleaning, and once the blades are clean I might as well paint 'em. We also need to replace every bit of glass shading in there -- it's really quite 80s in a not-good sort of way. Although the flooring (light blue vinyl tile? Blech!) is impossible to get clean at this point, Boe seems to think replacing the tile can wait. Um, no. If we're redoing the bathroom, we're redoing *all* of it. Rumor has it that we're beginning this project the first weekend after our anniversary.

Once that's done, the next project will be *gulp!* the kitchen.
margotvankapelle: (hotchocolate)
Boe and I have been cleaning the house. Woo or something. Maggie is doing well, as are the cats.

My labs came back on the 3rd -- turns out my ovaries are malfunctioning and not producing any (like, none at all) progestin. This has created artificially high androgens, which may explain an awful lot of things. I start hormone replacement therapy on Monday. Good thing Boe and I had decided to adopt anyway; my doctor told me that I would miscarry any baby we concieved. My thyroid came back okay though, so at least that's one thing that's working the way it should.

We're putting up Christmas decorations after the house is clean.

Other than that, there's not much going on.

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